Listening in Negotiations

Image by You X Ventures

I get asked a lot of questions when it comes to negotiating on your own behalf. Some of the questions are:
“When is the best time to negotiate?”
“Where do you find good compensation data?”
“How do you negotiate during a recession?”
“How do you know when to stop negotiating?”
“Are there any differences when negotiating for a new role within the same company vs. starting at a new one?”

All great questions, and all of them are making one huge assumption that is often overlooked until it’s too late. 

Negotiation is about a dialogue, a conversation where two (or more) parties exchange information that otherwise wouldn’t be known in order to claim value. 

Yet nobody has ever asked me:

“How do you make sure the other party is listening and hearing what you are saying?”

The most important thing in negotiations isn’t knowing how to trade value, and not even the preparation, although that’s rather critical. The most important skillset to have in negotiations is active listening.

It’s only through utilizing that rare skill that you will be able to pick up important information, and without the other person employing the same skill regardless of how prepared you are, the ask might land on deaf ears. 

Our culture’s epidemic is a near constant multi-tasking. We have gotten ourselves to be so busy that to slow down and listen seems passive and non-productive. When you pay attention to the other person and what they are saying and how they are saying it, you are able to identify things that are important to them. It enables you to ask much better questions to elaborate on something that was disclosed during the conversation, thus crafting creative solutions where both parties get what they need out of negotiations. So, how do you ensure that you are listening attentively to what’s being said and more importantly, how can you control whether people sitting across from you are listening? Let’s start with what you can do so you listen:

be present

Be present, completely present, dedicated only to the conversation at hand. That means leaving your phone behind, that means not contemplating the response to something the other person is saying but rather finish listening to their statement in its entirety. Make eye contact, clear your mind of secondary thoughts, pick a space where the distractions are limited. If it’s an important conversation, find a quiet place where you can close the door so you won’t be interrupted

Stay curious

People notice when you listen. One of the easiest ways to spot if the other party is listening is by paying attention to the questions being asked. Are they questions that deepen the conversation, are questions stem from the conversation itself or something that could have been written beforehand? 

Shed your assumptions

We all have them, and it’s imperative to acknowledge them. The biggest surprise in negotiations happens when our assumptions turn out to be wrong. When you hear something that points to your wrongly assumed statements, don’t go into defensive mode, as it will shift your mind from listening. Rather, focus on learning where your assumptions went wrong, so you can adjust your expectations and re-assess the situation

Allow for silence

If your dialogue has no pauses, you are spending time thinking about responses well before the other party is finished talking. To avoid missing out on important information, finish listening to the other party fully before coming up with a response. Allowing a few seconds of silence guarantees you finish listening to the other’s statement completely.

You might think, that’s great, this is completely under my control. How do I make sure the other person is paying attention to what I am saying. Some of the same rules apply here:

1. Start with setting expectations that what you have to say is important and you would appreciate undivided attention. Is this the time where the other party can accommodate such a request for the duration of the meeting or would it be better to reschedule? If the other person has an important board meeting right after your conversation, now is probably not the time to connect; their thoughts will be preoccupied. 

2. Time your conversations when people are less depleted and their minds are sharp. Meaning, earlier in the week and morning meetings tend to present the best environment for the other person to not be overwhelmed by the infinite amount of information and decisions being thrown at them. 

3. Be brief and succinct. It’s harder to pay attention to long-winded statements. If you want the other person to get something, be to the point. 

4. Pay attention to body language and tone. Does the other person keep glancing at their watch? If so, their mind is drifting somewhere else. As far as tone of the conversation goes, take an example of the word “Sure”. You can say it in such a tone that it conveys full agreement, complete dismissal, or anxiety about your statement. 

In the next couple of days observe conversations around you, and you will be astounded to see how often people don’t listen to each other. Then pick a couple of things to practice better active listening skills, and notice as the richness and insight of your conversations flourish. 

And remember these 2 things:

1. Silence in the conversation is like white space in design; it surrounds what’s important

2. Listening is the act of gathering intelligence

Reach out to us if you are looking for assistance in preparation process to get impressive results when it comes to negotiating on your own behalf.